I forget how I came across your post "Introducing," but I did & it so resonated with me, so I read more of what you have written here. I'm new to this site and your raw honesty in your posts has really made me feel something. (Also your ref to Dexter and a dark sense of humor!)
It's a weird feeling just wanting to reach out to someone and say, I empathize. I understand. My experience as a whole doesn't mirror yours, but I recognize so many of the brush strokes, the fine details, the nuance.
I was a cutter as a teenager and have mostly stopped as an "adult" though when things got bad a few years ago, I gave myself a good one on my upper arm that I immediately had to explain to folks at work was from one of my cats, and ever since that has been my excuse, so much so that sometimes a part of me forgets it was me. My scar is just a funny story now. Poor cat was just terrified I was trying to give her a bath and damndest thing- that one middle claw really lodged into my bicep! And then again recently, a scaredy-cat (haha) cut on my chest that I felt ashamed of because I wasn't even brave enough to commit to a proper cut. And my husband asking why I was in the bathroom for so long so late at night and me being annoyed with him.
I regularly fantasize about my death or near-mortal injury. And non-existence, my favorite of all. Oh, to have never been born!!!
So, without being too self-indulgent, I just want to say that I appreciate your words. Your frank descriptions of when things feel utterly deeply dark, painful, disconnected, numb, angry, uncaring and sensitive beyond words.
I hope you are currently feeling there is hope. I suppose hope is always relative, as what is worth hoping for is different for each of us. But the feeling that the future might possibly hold something different, something better - folly or redeeming feature, if it helps us decide in any moment, that there might be value in another moment, then f* yeah, I wish it upon us all.
I'm currently thinking I should spend more time on this site, try writing some posts of my own and reach out to some more people who's experiences really resonate. But we shall see, because one of the central themes of my own depression is that I have really great, noble, caring and insightful intentions, but that my follow-through is horrible to con-existent.
I look forward to reading more about your thoughts and experiences.
Hi Lisa, it is so very Good to hear and see you back. Yes. These dips hurt and are confusing, this I understand a bit. My critical self talk has been very loud in my head for a month. Stress in the fam is kicking it in. You? I try and choose just one thing I am strong at, like you being brave and posting here a bit! And I try and concentrate on this positive, even if it is for 15 minutes.
Hi my friends.....I was on the couch with my two doggies, Miss Lucy ( mini bull terrier) and Willie my little frenchie...and saw your post. Lisa and Jennifer, how I admire you two. My own hurt has been for 4 decades...that is ok...it is my path. Yet I see two dear women, Standing. Yes, Standing. This touches me that there is hope for us. I do not cut myself as you mention yourself. I feel for you in this. I do cut myself in my mind. I am coming out of a deep one ( these spells do have a beginning and an end!). If I could send you all a note, with a string around it, with just your name's written on it, it would read something like this perhaps from a friend you might have near you just now:
Comments
Thank you Lisa. These made me find my smile today. jim
Lisa,
I forget how I came across your post "Introducing," but I did & it so resonated with me, so I read more of what you have written here. I'm new to this site and your raw honesty in your posts has really made me feel something. (Also your ref to Dexter and a dark sense of humor!)
It's a weird feeling just wanting to reach out to someone and say, I empathize. I understand. My experience as a whole doesn't mirror yours, but I recognize so many of the brush strokes, the fine details, the nuance.
I was a cutter as a teenager and have mostly stopped as an "adult" though when things got bad a few years ago, I gave myself a good one on my upper arm that I immediately had to explain to folks at work was from one of my cats, and ever since that has been my excuse, so much so that sometimes a part of me forgets it was me. My scar is just a funny story now. Poor cat was just terrified I was trying to give her a bath and damndest thing- that one middle claw really lodged into my bicep! And then again recently, a scaredy-cat (haha) cut on my chest that I felt ashamed of because I wasn't even brave enough to commit to a proper cut. And my husband asking why I was in the bathroom for so long so late at night and me being annoyed with him.
I regularly fantasize about my death or near-mortal injury. And non-existence, my favorite of all. Oh, to have never been born!!!
So, without being too self-indulgent, I just want to say that I appreciate your words. Your frank descriptions of when things feel utterly deeply dark, painful, disconnected, numb, angry, uncaring and sensitive beyond words.
I hope you are currently feeling there is hope. I suppose hope is always relative, as what is worth hoping for is different for each of us. But the feeling that the future might possibly hold something different, something better - folly or redeeming feature, if it helps us decide in any moment, that there might be value in another moment, then f* yeah, I wish it upon us all.
I'm currently thinking I should spend more time on this site, try writing some posts of my own and reach out to some more people who's experiences really resonate. But we shall see, because one of the central themes of my own depression is that I have really great, noble, caring and insightful intentions, but that my follow-through is horrible to con-existent.
I look forward to reading more about your thoughts and experiences.
~Michelle
Hi Lisa, it is so very Good to hear and see you back. Yes. These dips hurt and are confusing, this I understand a bit. My critical self talk has been very loud in my head for a month. Stress in the fam is kicking it in. You? I try and choose just one thing I am strong at, like you being brave and posting here a bit! And I try and concentrate on this positive, even if it is for 15 minutes.
I am proud of you. jim
Hi my friends.....I was on the couch with my two doggies, Miss Lucy ( mini bull terrier) and Willie my little frenchie...and saw your post. Lisa and Jennifer, how I admire you two. My own hurt has been for 4 decades...that is ok...it is my path. Yet I see two dear women, Standing. Yes, Standing. This touches me that there is hope for us. I do not cut myself as you mention yourself. I feel for you in this. I do cut myself in my mind. I am coming out of a deep one ( these spells do have a beginning and an end!). If I could send you all a note, with a string around it, with just your name's written on it, it would read something like this perhaps from a friend you might have near you just now:
I know i am just a dog but,
If you cry I'll be your comfort.
And if someone breaks your heart
we can use mine to live. I'll always be by your side.